It sneaks up on you, this overwhelming feeling. It is an inability to know how to face problems and proceed. It is the breaking down of coping mechanisms until there is nothing else, until problems seem insurmountable. I kept it private when it was happening at its worst, which only made things worse. My executive functioning deficit makes it difficult to work through problems internally so I was trapped in a suicidal loop as I failed to externalize what I was going through. I had no pathway out and my shame about what I was going through kept me silent.
I have since “talked myself out of it” and taken suicide off the table as an option, which means I now have to face the problems which seemed insurmountable. Things like my difficulty writing due to trauma (which I address with Project Process) and my shame/denial about having Bipolar disorder. This means reaching out to the doctor who treated me when I had my psychosis, for I have come to realize despite all my bitterness he was able to see me for what I really am and understood deeply what I needed. Almost five years ago I walked away from treatment and support for bipolar, wanting to go at things on my own. I can’t do it on my own, it is a diffcult condition to cope with and it has taken me all these years to come to terms with my condition.
I am glad I went my own way though, it was the only way to be certain that treatment was really what I needed and denial is a normal stage when faced with such a troubling diagnosis. It was a process I had to go through.
Now I am ready to face my demons. To come out of the shadows of suicidal idealation and shame. I am grateful that my refusal of treatment did not cost me my life. I realize that as normal as denial is, it had the potential to be deadly.
There are resources available to me but I refused to utilize them because I did not want to admit my condition was as serious as it is. It is very serious and I am taking bold steps in being open about it, even in my workplace.
To heal from Suicidal Idealation is to face my shadow directly, to look into the darkest parts of myself and forgivr myself for struggle. I became so acclimatized to struggle that I did not realize it was something strange I was going through, even my darkest thoughts failed to tell me I needed to accept myself.
I knew I needed help but I was scared of what that entailed. I asked for a referral to access my mind and it was to that same clinic with the same doctor who really saw me. I refused to go then. Now I am making an appointment with my family doctor to ask for that referral again.
I am bravr enough to face myself.