It was a cry for simplicity. I looked at my other relationships and felt empty as if I had lived up to some polyamorous ideal but not my own inner truth. My mental health has been deteriorating, especially as I tried more and more to fit this perfect mood, and have the picture taken of perfect polyamory, perfectly queer enough. It wasn’t me, and I rejected it. It was a harsh rejection, to realize I was using people to fill in holes in my identity, it was far from authentic.
I don’t know if it is me giving in to stigma or preconditioning, you can only fight the grain for so long and now I was exhausted. Exhausted from trying, exhausted from being perfect. It could be something about the intensity of the power exchange in my main relationship, the desire to belong to him and only him overpowered everything else. It has become the song of my soul, the depth of my inner truth.
I have been polyamorous for about six years, and I my experiences with monogamy before that are very limited. Perhaps it is my desire to try something new and exciting. Loving only one, that’s exciting to me. I’m slowly planning our wedding for 2020 and it brings me so much joy to shower him with romantic gestures and be our imperfect selves together. I got used to the ease of us being together and resented the effort it took to make another relationship work only half as good, communication failing constantly as we spanned different worlds only to barely touch and soon that wasn’t enough. I don’t have the capacity or ability to manage more than what I have and I’ve chosen to honor that. Most often, monogamy is a compulsory choice. I know I am free to be polyamorous again at any point, I simply don’t want to anymore, I am consciously choosing monogamy, with him.