Unconventional Transition

I am overwhelmed with joy that my non-binary identity has been accepted and that I am well on my way to an unconventional transition.

I found out at my most recent psychiatrist appointment with a gender specialist that I’d be approved for testosterone and should be seeing an endocrine specialist by Christmas or the New Year. I was overjoyed.

This is not the only part of my transition plan, I also would like to have one breast removed to cope with fluid dysphoria, so a part of my body always reflects how I am feeling. It is about an internal experience of my body. I was nervous to bring this up to doctors and so honestly haven’t yet. It is possible I will be refered to a top surgeon but I am uncertain about how they will respond.

Luckily for me, I find myself in my most financially secure position of my adult life amd starting this month I am going to be saving nearly a third of my income. If my calaculations are correct I should have enough for a fancy wedding and then some in a couple years. 

It is at this point I realized I don’t have to wait for approval or put myself up to questioning/ridicule, if I need to, I will pay for my surgery myself. This was liberating to realize, and to see it as all possible within the next few years.

I have come to see my gender expression and identity as a work of art, something I can control. 

Where my breast is removed I want to get a spiralling vortex tattooed in its place, speaking to the void gender sometimes feels to be. I have no interest in being conventional, or half man, half woman, I am wholey me.

I have been thinking about this surgery for several years (above is some art I did two years ago on the concept) and I fought with it, even writing that I’d let go of the idea. The truth is, however fleeting, I can’t escape the idea as being part of my greatness, and in all my visualizations of a success future I imagine this course of action for my body.

I have learned to love and embrace my breasts, for now. I can’t bind because I have dislocated ribs in the past so my only option has been to hide away under layers of loose clothes. I have come to realize though that even though I want to change my body does not mean I have to hate my body, and so I will enjoy it in it’s present state, in transition and beyond.

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3 Comments

  1. So, I’m genuinely curious, and I’m sorry if I come across as ignorant or rude… but in both pictures you have drawn, it’s the left breast that is removed.
    Is there some significance to having the left breast removed vs. the right?

    Like

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