I am overwhelmed with joy that my non-binary identity has been accepted and that I am well on my way to an unconventional transition.
I found out at my most recent psychiatrist appointment with a gender specialist that I’d be approved for testosterone and should be seeing an endocrine specialist by Christmas or the New Year. I was overjoyed.
This is not the only part of my transition plan, I also would like to have one breast removed to cope with fluid dysphoria, so a part of my body always reflects how I am feeling. It is about an internal experience of my body. I was nervous to bring this up to doctors and so honestly haven’t yet. It is possible I will be refered to a top surgeon but I am uncertain about how they will respond.
Luckily for me, I find myself in my most financially secure position of my adult life amd starting this month I am going to be saving nearly a third of my income. If my calaculations are correct I should have enough for a fancy wedding and then some in a couple years.
It is at this point I realized I don’t have to wait for approval or put myself up to questioning/ridicule, if I need to, I will pay for my surgery myself. This was liberating to realize, and to see it as all possible within the next few years.
I have come to see my gender expression and identity as a work of art, something I can control.
Where my breast is removed I want to get a spiralling vortex tattooed in its place, speaking to the void gender sometimes feels to be. I have no interest in being conventional, or half man, half woman, I am wholey me.
I have been thinking about this surgery for several years (above is some art I did two years ago on the concept) and I fought with it, even writing that I’d let go of the idea. The truth is, however fleeting, I can’t escape the idea as being part of my greatness, and in all my visualizations of a success future I imagine this course of action for my body.
I have learned to love and embrace my breasts, for now. I can’t bind because I have dislocated ribs in the past so my only option has been to hide away under layers of loose clothes. I have come to realize though that even though I want to change my body does not mean I have to hate my body, and so I will enjoy it in it’s present state, in transition and beyond.