TW – description of sexual assault and discussion around psychosis
I was desperate for people that would understand me and what I’d been through. A psychosis is a very traumatizing event, one which is difficult to recover from. The pool of people who can relate to that is small, so I lost my right to be picky.
First I met a woman with schizophrenia. She was heavy into what I would judge as an unhealthy D/S relationship. Her partners wanted to vet me so I agreed to get stoned with them. While I was heavily under the influence we made out and she preformed several sex acts on me, though nothing she would count as sex, she considered herself a virgin. The truth was that I was too high to consent and could not find no in my vocabulary. On one hand I was desperate for her and relatablity she offered me. On the other hand, she was using a vibrator on me that wasn’t causing orgasm but causing my lower back to seize up and I was incapable of communicating my discomfort. I was tied to a chair and possibly gagged, that part I don’t remember clearly.
She did attempt to check in on me, but the truth was I was too far gone, I could barely sit up. My lower back was so seized up I could barely sit in my office chair at work the following week and it hurt to walk. I was in a car accident while leaving work early due to the pain, which amplified the tension into a permanent reoccuring injury that has the potential to haunt me even to this day.
The only other person I knew who I could relate to was a guy who had also been committed and struggled with delusions. So I ended up spending a lot of time with him and ultimately moved in with him, thinking somehow we could maintain our tertiary relationship (it was never supposed to be a big thing).
He struggled with his mental illness and a drinking problem. Living with him led to the assault which I most often talk about and affects my writing.
I’ve never truely been hurt by mentally well cishet people, all my direct trauma is from other queet and/or mentally ill people. This is called lateral violence, its when people within a marginalized community hurt each other often due to their own unresolved trauma.
The pool of relatability gets smaller, and as such we tend to pick whoever fits and is most likely to relate to us, regardless of their emotional health. A lot of the trauma in queer communities is passed around, making things worse for everyone. Overall we are unsupported so we have unhealthy people dating unhealthy people and the potential to hurt each other is high.
One of my other partners had a bad acid trip, which is emotionally relatable to psychosis. Once he had this experience, my abusive partner no longer had a monopoly on how to relate to me in this way, and I was freed to leave him.