I revisited an old, uncomfortable post today: “Writing, Rewriting & the Theft of my Storytelling”. In light of Project Process, it is interesting to revisit my feelings around writing. Project Process is exposing my creative ability with live-writing and I hope to gather support around my work and recovery. Before, my story-telling was something only he had, that he stole. Now, it is open to everyone, taking away the value of his monopolized possession.
I am setting aside time to write each week for 2 hours, whether or not I end up working on my novel in that time, I will be live-writing and I will be healing.
My therapist is encouraging me to do little creative things as much as I can, regardless of what they are. The goal is that with each creative task I rebuild positive associations in my brain around creativity and slowly overwrite PTSD.
I am doing this publicly because I have suffered in isolation. The struggle around my writing was a very private affair, something difficult to share. Even if I could explain it to people they weren’t in it with me, they could only be an outside witness. I resented all that could have happened and didn’t happen as a result of not finishing my novel. I lived in a fantasy world where everything would be perfect if only I had been allowed to complete it. The dissonance between that fantasy and my reality caused tremendous pain, to the point that I was suicidal over my difficulties writing and my upset at my place in life. I had to work hard and cast a few spells (send a couple sigils) in order to get to a place where I could even think about writing again. But even finding this safe creative environment was nothing against the years of PTSD conditioning my mind had since been through. It would be a process to unravel that and unlock my writing ability, a process I was not willing to face alone.
And so with each week, with each positive reassociation and with each creative endeavor I am healing my mind and retrieving my writing ability.