I went two years without medication. This period of time was vital to my self-understanding and to invoke consent for a lifetime of possible treatment. Now that I have been on medication for a few months I realize I am re-wiring my brain and getting used to different/new ways of thinking. With these changes, I hope to rediscover my longform writing ability. I stopped writing after an assault, but realize not being on medication may have also contributed to my struggle.
I have changed from desiring polyamory to exploring monogamy, finding everything else too cluttered to serve my well-being. Polyamory is a beautiful ideal and lived experience for many people, including myself, but I have realized it does not serve my needs. I still hold my polyamorous ethos, but I think I was so seduced by the “look” of polyamory that I was willing compromise my needs in order to have the aesthetic of a lifestyle I didn’t have the resources to sustain and kept things going even when the relationships didn’t serve me. I fucked up badly trying to live a dream life and rushing it. I will re-approach polyamory with higher standards and a more honest discourse around hierarchy (I tried very hard to be non- hierarchical, but was ultimately dishonest as hierarchy does happen even if you refuse to acknowledge it). This was a very jarring shift in my identity, letting go of relationships and focusing on monogamy for healing; it was unexpected.
I am unsure if my demeanor has shifted. My partner would describe me as sharper, witty and on. The first few weeks was such a dramatic change that it was jarring to those around me as well. The long term shift has me resting more and thinking about how best I can try to heal my body (which is suffering from years of neural tension and bodily coping with an untreated assault and muscle injury in my upper back).
Ultimately the changes have slowed down, and it is a manner of learning how to adjust and function as a different sort of person. Even my relationship with my art, poetry, and spirituality has changed. This is also scary, I long more the care of family who has actively ostracized me for my “lifestyle choices” and I long for community.
Even my sense of my gender is shifting. I still know I am genderqueer, but am leaning away from idea’s around transitioning, which is ironic, given that what started me on medication finally was seeing a gender specialist. I feel more confident, and less like I need to conform to others idea’s of “trans-ness”. I am questioning if my genderqueer-ness still falls under trans and if I wish to continue to fight around that label. I realize most of the issue I have with the label is the binary expectations it invokes; and I shouldn’t let that undermine my lived experience with gender fluidity and transness.
I hope to continue getting better.