So I had this idea for Sobbing Writers Month, even made a facebook event and invited others to join in. The idea was that it would be like NaNoWriMo, but for unfinished projects and (obviously) sobbing. I came up with this idea from a place of great optimism, brought on by changes in my life. I didn’t expect further changes to get in the way of my optimism.
March is almost over and I haven’t completed my Novel In Progress. I did however finish reading “Writing As A Sacred Path” which made my demons seem more universal and less like something I am attempting to conquer on my own. Of course every creator has blockages to overcome. I still grapple with mine.
I survived a direct attack on my creative drive, an assault where the perpetrator specifically asked me to access my inner world in order to escape the predicament: I was forced to tell a story before being strangled unconscious. I’ve attempted to explain this before but the details of the assault are not as important as the implications it has had.
I have learned that a 44,000 draft and 10,000 word rewrite are more than a lot of people with a creative calling even get to. It is a step in the right direction even if I have struggled to move past that. I can’t cure my PTSD around writing in a month with deadlines, I can’t defeat it by beating myself up over it. I can’t cure it on my own. It’s possible that my mental illness is out of wack and that proper medication will make writing possible again.
Right now, I am just working with what I have and what I can do. I am encouraging myself to use my creativity and exercise my mind in other ways. Sometimes that just means journaling to my partner, sometimes it means blogging, sometimes it means poetry. Even if I can’t work on longform creative works I will keep practicing on shorter projects and stories.
I used to beat myself up for the progress I did make in these areas, because I thought I was avoiding the big project, now I understand that I have use my mind to heal my mind, and only through continued creation will I have a chance at completion.
It’s not failure to recognize limitations and learn how to work on them. It’s far from giving up, though it may seem that way in the short term.