My entire young adult life my sexuality has felt like an under developed work in progress, riddled with shame and internalized stigma. I am excited to be in a place where I can really start to explore and experience feeling my sexuality as healthy, and progress beyond awkward buttsecks jokes on instagram.
What is helping me overcome these feelings of brokenness? A big part is treating my mental health. Another part is allowing my intimacy to just be mine again. Growing up, my sexuality didn’t belong to me, it belonged to the false ideals upheld by my family and my invisible/imaginary future husband.
Now my future husband is far from imaginary, he is a very real part of my life. It is sad that I had parts of myself so engrained with shame that I couldn’t overcome them till I satisified the narrative of having someone in his role. I think I still want to be polyamorous eventually, but right now holding space for sacred sexuality between me and my ‘future’ spouse is an act of redemptive healing. As much as I want to love many, I have to learn how to love one first, with all the depth and capacity for committment that I have, then I can learn to branch things out.