When you are in the middle of coping you forget all the things that you can do to make life run smoothly. It’ s four years post psychosis and a few years past the assaults and abusive relationship which followed. I remember in my early recovery that I read or heard in a podcast that it would take a few years to fully “get my brain back” after the psychosis, and the fact that my mental health status left me vulnerable to abuse made the recovery all the more difficult.
After spending a good deal of time coming to terms with what may be a life long condition (bipolar) and now finally accepting help in the form of medication, I can feel more of my functioning come back to me. However, how I write is different and how I feel is different. I had gotten used to being scared of my mind, scared of using it to create. This is part of why everything I produced over the last few years in terms of my online presence was so raw, I did not have much capacity to refine or filter.
I understand the value my expression and art has, but may not know how best to communicate it outwardly, how to demonstrate my value. It’s disheartening to think that so much of the last few years were not taken seriously (especially when I was being labelled a special snowflake, sjw, when I was primarily focused on myself/my recovery). I didn’t ask for special attention because of what had happened to me, I was just using different avenues of expression to share and to measure my own progress. Now I am at a turning point, in that I can begin to create works and share ideas for other people, I have the capacity to respond to things without my PTSD being triggered in the same way. I have the opportunity to educate if necessary and feel good about my work
As my capacity has increased, I have found myself catching up on projects and ideas I have had. It is strange to not have outsider deadlines and a “sense of failure” looming over me as I fail to meet those deadlines and expectations. I am in a place where I can nourish and develop my thoughts and art without needing to immediately share them (though often still do), as well I can actually craft my online presence to truly serve a purpose. My capacity to be thoughtful has increased, though I am still a rash impulsive over-sharer, this will never change. What will change (or has changed) is the second guessing and beating myself up over it. I see that I am doing the best I can in each moment; and I am excited to be doing better.