I did a spell of transformation. It was successful. I have inverted my motivation matrix. “I cannot write because of him” has become “I will create so much and love so loudly that my pain from him will become nothing but a whimper in comparison to the stream of creation I will spew out”.
I described at one point, feeling cursed as if my magik broke when I crossed paths with a power exchange dynamic which seemed to operate in opposite to my own chaotic sense of magick. It was powerful but impure energy, with the dynamic catering to the insecurities and judgments of the master. It was perhaps, more intense than anything I had ever encountered and the crossing left me unraveled and shaking, systems of magik could crumble here and I felt my own very much fall away. My body was hurt, my lower back made everything impossible and within a week I crashed my car and shortly thereafter moved in with a partner who ultimately abused and strangled me, sending my life into it’s first real death spiral. As traumatic as my psychosis had been prior to these events I had protections in place then and I never lost hope before. This was the destruction of hope, and now the awakening of my inner drive to make hope possible again; to inspire it in others. This has always been my goal: inspiration.
The spell was simple. Three candles, each linked by a ring of salt. The shortest black: representing darkness of the past. Then grey: the transformation. And the tallest white candle, representing the good to come. I weaved these into my internal matrix, creating a depth of symbolism which will hold me visually as I move through the transformative energy. I was clever and timed my nightly medication to coincide with the transformative process enabling a notable shift in consciousness such that it would reinforce the internalized symbolism.
I will shine so bright and so loud that the part of me which feels corrupted by heartbreak and betrayal (especially of the abusive partner; just the cursed sensation is continuous throughout the last few years of my life) becomes nothing but a speck in my overall integrity and in what I come to create.