How much of dogma is corrupted magik with pure intentions? To move backwards through the meanings of things like power and control, how do we claim it without perpetuating backwards that we know.
The world made me feel helpless, so I asked my lovers to also install this feeling. It was a darkness that outweighed me and I am blessed to have found those who can see through the corruption to what I am, etching away my edges of belonging, showing me what belonging means as it pertains to them, such that I may relate it back to myself.
Love and sex is a learning platform. Through love, I gain compassion and understanding, as I ask to love those who are unique in their experiences such that I might broaden my worldview. It is this insatiable curiosity that brings me back again and again. Of course, I won’t do it any one way, I’ll enrich it from a thousand perspectives. I ask of my bodies capacity to know and love. And through this tether and guidance, I hold myself up differently.
It is perhaps a most insane experiment on myself, testing the validity of inner magik. I have been taken on these walks.
This is the first summer I have not dislocated my knees. They have dislocated on a bi-monthly basis since I was 11. I am 26 now. By bimonthly I mean it varies on average from once every two months to twice a month. Sometimes 3 times a week. Sometimes twice a day.
It is and has been a looming threat with every step and I constantly wished it away. I would walk and daydream to myself, perhaps it will never happen again, and usually, right around then it did.
When I described myself as disabled online I was met with hatred and question, after a vast period of acceptance. Well though, what is it called? Regular patellar subluxation? No, it’s not enough. A coordination disability? Muscle spasms?
These descriptions lack my experience, my fear, and my shame. No one told me why; no one had a reason. Perhaps if I had a label or explanation sooner I would have been motivated to try to deal with it sooner. But no, I was just broken and lazy and none of that was adequate to make me want to do physio. I had electrodes put on my body and told to endure rather than listen to me that it was too hard and it hurt.
Under the mask of good intentions to try to lift my pain, I was told it didn’t matter.
You learn a lot from falling in a hundred places and a hundred different ways. I don’t know if it is over but I am ready for it to be.
After I did my binding ritual I met my walking miracle, it came in the form of a near-psychotic spiritual awakening of a friend turned love. We walked through muddy night fields and he told me he could change my fate and I believed him.
I ask my lovers to walk me and I feel their guiding steps, the quickness motion, and control.
Much like I picked up a hoop and vowed to never hurt my knees in flow, I put it down when I wasn’t sure how to do that.
I freeze sometimes, like my body doesn’t know how to move and I have to ask it and it takes time to calculate. I forget that this is my body and I need to be thoughtful in how I live inside it.
What if flow is letting spirits flow through us? I had had dreams of octopuses and parasites in my knees. I have read books that say it means spiritual blockages. It is where my insecurities fall out. I realize this is problematic for a lot of people. I wouldn’t say all illness and disabilities have a spiritual cause…. Only some. Enough that it is a modality worth trying when everything else has failed me. Perhaps that means it is “fake” or immeasurable by societies standards but that doesn’t make it any less true for me.
In my deep submission to two or more lovers, I have learned how to walk again. Perhaps correctly this time.